An Unwanted Visitor
By Ethan Mawyer

It was business as usual at Cool Beans in Oradell, NJ until words came out of the mouth of someone who hadn't been there before that caused most of the patrons to spit out a mouthful of coffee and biscotti. Those words were, "Coffee is the drink of the Devil and all of you are going to Hell for drinking it."

The general verbal response to that comment cannot be reprinted because of the aversion some readers and publishers have to profanity. What was said prompted the stranger to lash back, "See, caffeine has corrupted your minds to such an extent that you do not hesitate to utter blasphemy."

The girl behind the counter asked the question that everyone was thinking. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Once again you are trivializing powerful words. You shall have a tortured eternity in the place you speak of so lightly if you do not mend your sinful lifestyle."

"Stop being evasive and answer my question. How is drinking coffee sinful? Caffeine is a mild stimulant that can have health benefits when consumed moderately."

The intruder scoffed. "Who figured that out? Scientists? What do they know? They worship monkeys since they think that monkeys made humans instead of the real God." The glares coming from all directions convinced him that he should answer what he had been asked. " Coffee is sinful because it is a stimulant. It makes people excited from simply drinking it. Excitement should be reserved for serving God and anticipation of Heaven, not being served Java and anticipating the jolt."

The girl who was behind the counter, and had moved into the customer area because business had stopped for the moment, was not impressed. "Very clever mister," she said. "Did you spend all night thinking of that?"

"It came to me in a flash of divine inspiration."

"Whatever. Are you more of a Lovejoy or a Flanders?"

"I do not know what it is that you are referring to."

"I guess you wouldn't watch that. Are you actually a preacher or just a religious fanatic who feels everyone should believe what you do?"

"I am the pastor at a local church and it would be extremely beneficial for the souls of everyone here who doesn't currently attend church to come to mine instead of coming here to worship Satan. I know you are going to deny Satan worship, but not worshipping who I worship is worshipping Satan. How many of you are regular churchgoers?"

About half of the hands in the room, which was considerably less full than when the preacher arrived, went up. One young man who had raised his hand stood up to speak. " I have been going to this man's church for two years," he said, "which is the amount of time that I have been married. I have major issues with organized religion, but my wife is religious so I go to make her happy. I'm much more afraid of the certain wrath of that woman that I would face if I didn't go than the possibility of the wrath of God that you say people who don't go to church will face."

"My son" was all he got out. The preacher was interrupted as soon as he said that second word.

"Don't call me son. It's condescending and I don't feel that studying a book gives you that right."

"I studied many books. Now what is your problem with my Church?"

"First of all, your sermons are so boring that I need to come here for their strongest stuff to wake me up after it. But what really bothers me is that I find the stories that you preach about very hard to believe. They're found in a series of books that many people have bought, but that proves no more than the success of Harry Potter proves the existence of magical spells and dragons."

"How dare you make such a vile comparison? The difference is that God has spoken to his prophets on the television about the truth of the bible and how it should be applied in the modern world while no such thing is true for those horrible children's books."

"I find it hard to believe that the televangelists are honest."

"I know they are because they are wealthy, and since the arrival of the Mayflower Christian tradition has dictated that those who work to build up a fortune are favored by God and therefore pure of heart. God talks to them once they prove their worth by getting rich, which is why I charge my congregation very high dues so I can talk to God and spread the word to them."

"You said it was for the tsunami victims. Now I don't care what she thinks, I'm never going to your church again."

"It is for tsunami victims. When I can talk to God I plan on convincing him to use wind to blow food from Iran and other rogue nations so it goes to Southeast Asia."

A few of the customers considered spilling their cold coffee on him, but decided that violence was not the answer. One customer did have an answer, and she spoke her mind. "You said that getting rich proves honesty", she said. "Well, what about Hollywood Liberals?"

The preacher had no answer, so he screamed that they were all going to Hell and left. Those who were members of his church, which described two people, resolved to hang out at the coffee shop or sleep in every time that he held services. For most people there, the fact that the obnoxious preacher hated coffee made it even more appealing.